That felt awful

Was out walking around my neighborhood yesterday (literally around - it is a loop and I know that if I do five loops it equals two miles).  Anyway, out walking, had the baby and the dog with me.

Loop one: walked past neighbor leaning on his car, calling for his son to hurry up and come outside.

Loop two: neighbor and son are in the cul de sac, tossing a football back and forth, looks to me like they know what they are doing.  My dog tries to pull me, the stroller with the baby and himself over to investigate and possibly take the football and run off.

Loop three: neighbor asks me if I am new to the neighborhood.  No, I have been here three years.  Really, says he, wow.  I don't know what to say to that so I reiterate the three years bit.  Plus, I walk around the loop A LOT so it's on him for not seeing me before.  Where do you live, he asks.  I point, he asks if we have the yellow Beetle, I say yes.  He asks what I do.

I say that I left my job to stay home with my baby ohbutIalsoamacommunicationsconsultantfromhome.  Before I can rush that mouthful out, oh, says he, and asks what my husband does. 

I head off on loop four, alternating between mentally hitting myself in the head for saying that I stay home with my kid and drowning myself in guilt for feeling like that was totally lame.

But he was the one who acted all dismissive when I said that, so he shouldn't have made me feel badly.

But I am the one who felt badly.  

So again I ask you, why do we hate mamas?  

How I am

Any time in my life I have tried to keep a journal it goes fairly poorly. I won't write in it for months and months and then, when I get a hankerin' to jot down my thoughts, I open the journal, realize I've been negligent and attempt to write down everything of significance that's happened since I last wrote. Once I finish that, I'm overwhelmed and my hand hurts so I put the journal back down and don't pick it up again for a few more months...wash, rinse, repeat.

So I'm going to avoid the urge to cover the happenings of the past five and a half months in chronological order and just go forward from here.

In online, too pressed for time to type out the whole thing, soooo 2010 parlance, I am now a SAHM (stay at home mom). In fact, when we bought our new car recently and *I* was filling out the loan application, the car seller guy told me to list my husband first because I was a HOMEMAKER.

I almost became a dealership burn downer after that.

To be fair to myself, I am just starting out on my own as a "contract communications consultant" (I came up with that term in order to be prepared for all the cocktail parties I am going to these days). I have already completed a few jobs and am looking for more. So I will be making some money.

Just not as much as I used to.

Which means that we have a whole budget situation to rejigger.

When the bacon arrives in the bank account, do we each get a bit that we can spend on whatever? Does it all go toward shared expenses and we no longer get to do the whatevers? Does hubs only get to do the whatevers now that he is the one bringing home said bacon? How am I going to pay to get my hair cut?

What about when I buy stuff for the baby during the day, or go grocery shopping? Do those purchases need to have pre-approval because I am not the one who gets the paycheck?

How do people work this out? More importantly to me, how do smart, professional, forward-thinking, similar-minded women who are in my boat (because I know there are a lot of them, more than you would think) work this out?

I am used to having my own money that I can spend on my own things - if I buy new mascara because I read about it in a magazine and then it makes my eyes water, I don't want to feel bad about buying a different tube of mascara the next day. Nor do I want to suffer through and wear the eye-watering mascara.

So what do I do about the mascara now?